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Monday, January 25, 2010 by Jen Ko
I hate it when I'm a hypocrite.
The thing is, I'm not afraid that I won't be loved. I just feel like I chose the wrong person to love. I also hate how this blog is all about my fucking feelings. ARG.
he can be angry at how I still speak to J, but I'm not the one that has to reminisce about the past with my ex girlfriends. It's hurtful to be honest when he says he's so honest and everything. We had this talk last night and yet, it still bothers me. and everytime, I tell myself that I'm not going to let anyone make me feel this way... I end up feeling ashamed that I'm once again giving him control, and at the ending it's all me. It's not his fault, it's mine so I just have to find a way to deal with it.
Change can either be a good thing or a bad thing but when you're already molded into the person you are, it's hard for change. The pride you had/have will never diminish, it will always be there.
I believe we are all broken in some ways,
how do you let go of dreams?
how does one feel when you're suppose to be the luckiest girl in the world.
on a happy note, I remember getting high once with J last week and it was really nice because we were just friends. It's always when we are high, we can be just friends and laugh and laugh and laugh. It's one of the best feelings ever because for that brief hour our hearts were on the same level. There's no drama, no stress, just two people who care about each other smoking and I can imagine being his friend like this forever. I believe in him and he's been the one that picked me up when I fell hard. When I cried at night, when I had no one to rely on.. not even family he held my hand through the whole journey. He finally did let go because if he didn't I would never have grown. Regardless of the pain, the pain was a good pain. It was a learning pain and I'm still very thankful, he might think it was the biggest mistake in his life but I can't live protected forever. He can't protect me forever, and he can't hold my hand forever. I need to fall to understand life and I'm realizing that finally. He always tells me that not everyone in this world is good, and I still choose to believe there's good in everyone. I believe, and he protects me by the horrible people in life. I think the reason why we lasted for so long and I care about him so much is because he saw me for who I was. Beneath, the whining, the bitchiness, the little girl that hates growing up... he saw my heart and learned how it worked. How I will always care about people I don't even know. I remember him calling me a flower and it was probably the nicest conversation we ever had and he described why I was a flower in his eyes.. it wasn't all good things but it was nice. Maybe I was surprised that someone thought so highly of me and told me not to let anyone tell me otherwise.
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The funny thing is before I met C, everything was fun and games.
I didn't believe anyone would be genuine like J was and I didn't believe in myself or lol, it could have been I thought too highly of myself. I just thought, I'm not going to put that much effort into anyone because there's TOO many fishies in the sea to even give a shit. If there's nothing there you move on to the next person. If there isn't a next person there then... I get some "me" time. The guys I met just wanted to get in my pants... and that's fine, there's no harm in that if you also accept the facts BUT i lived with the thought that it's not the end of the world without one. I'm not going to change who I am for anyone until I'm 27 or something and I need to find a husband but for now, I am who I am.
I can only put effort into a relationship and that's all i'm willing to do.
What's funny is that C said not all relationships are like fairy tales. He said something of that sort and I didn't respond because I didn't know how.
I believe in fairy tales, I don't think everything is happily ever after but I do believe in them. I believe in love. I believe that no matter how good or bad the guy is or how good looking or ugly he is, he is the girl's prince. He will hold her hand until the day he no longer can. Is it wrong to believe?
I hate it when people tell me that I'm too naive because I know I am and SO?
SO WHAT if I get hurt over and over again, when I finally have feelings for someone I act up on them.
I fight for what I want...
Why can't seeing someone and being happy that they are alive and breathing be enough?
I guess sometimes it's hard because we're both on different levels. We see things differently, he lives in reality and I still live in our dream.
He's the first guy I actually had feelings for.
I have no idea how to explain it.
note to self
-shower tonight
-get fish tacos in a min.
-boo forgot my d60 so I can't take pictures of food.
-maybe i can get fish tacos again tomorrow just to take pictures.
-it's on whittier 5 min away.
-tacos are my life.
-i love them.