Just me

I was just looking at my first love's facebook through Liz's facebook.
I don't have the courage to add him because he's such a sensitive subject to me.

I experienced my first love during eighth grade, I believe it was the first time my heart fluttered the way it did for someone. Till this day, when I do accidentally see him once every so often my heart still stops for a brief second. I want to go to him and ask him how he's doing. Do you know that feeling of knowing and believing in someone although they're like a complete stranger?

I haven't spoken to him in 6 years, yet he still lingers in my thoughts. I wonder though... was it only me that felt that way or did he feel the same way for me? There's so many questions and not enough answers, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to talk to him though.

If only... if only I wasn't as immature as I was we would probably still be friends. Things would have turned out differently. I hope only the best for him.

I need to be treated better.
It's Valentine's day and I doubt we're going to do anything.

I feel like all the cards are on the table and I should see it the way it's meant to be seen.
He's not going to change and I can't expect him to.

It's sad that I don't even care that much.
It didn't bother me as much as I thought.

I really need to update my nail/food blog soon. I feel like I can't write one good entry because I'm not happy enough to sit down and ps my pictures. I don't even want to sort out pictures or even take any. How sad is that?

"it was so beautiful and I passed the mountains. I went coast to coast, and from start that's how you learn just who you are. home is where the heart is, find where you belong, start to take control. Show a little soul and you feel who you are. There was a time where I couldn't see myself growing older, but than I went for a walk and when I came back I was so much taller, maybe try to find something that I could be apart of but I decided to leave."

The sounds - Home is where is the heart is

It's one of the better songs and I will love it forever.
It reminds me of my live.love.learn theory.

Life takes us down so many paths and in every path, good or bad we should embrace it. I keep forgetting that sometimes and no matter what at the ending there was a lesson learned. I believe there's always something to learn in every situation. We can't grow if we don't make mistakes and there's so much more to life than having a good time. I feel like there's so many people I haven't met yet, there's so many paths I haven't taken yet. People I haven't helped, friendships that haven't been created. I think just that fact, makes the next day that much brighter. I love to love, I hope that never changes about me.

I want to smoke badly right now but I'm not sleepy yet.
-----

I dyed my hair yesterday, it's a lot darker and I like it. I look natural and it's nice, although I still look fobby but oh well. J says I have a lot of old grandma clothes, I cried after he made fun of me too many times. It's not nice because that's my style, I like flower prints. It makes me happy but he says it makes me look fobbier and if I'm trying to not have that look than I should stop wearing flowery prints. true. true. The reason why I don't want to look like a fob is because people don't take me seriously, i don't know how to explain it. people think I don't speak english, they think I'm submissive. I am NOT! I feel like that's always a battle I'm trying to win. I constantly feel like people don't take me seriously and it bothers me. Maybe because I can't stand my ground really well. I'm the type of person that feels bad for getting angry and it usually leads to people not taking me seriously or respecting me. It's not my fault I can't stay mad for long though.

I have nothing today.

Well, I wish my heart would go where my mind tells it to go, but it's stubborn and it still wants what is wants. It's like I keep frequently talking to my heart, and my last words are "don't say I didn't tell you heart, you might get hurt again."

Weed has made it a lot easier to fall asleep at night.

I wish i had something better to say.

I am really lucky to have the family I have.

and as I sit back and view life as a whole I realized I have good qualities and I know that no matter what, I will remember that everytime I feel like I'm not enough.

Because in the end it's "I" who let people make me feel like I'm not enough so that will change.

live.love.learn.
-Jen

I love to love and I find loving people part of who I am, and at times I love people the wrong way. I jeapordize myself so I can love people, I really need to tone it down.

I love my mom.

It's day one since I broke it off with C. I know I don't want things to be over but I really saw myself and I don't like the person I became because I couldn't deal with my insecurities. I guess it's a growing process and I'm scared that I'll miss him and again act on it and ruin the time I need.

I guess I've been thinking about it tremendously and I finally acted out on it.
I finally had enough of it and I think I just needed to push myself over the edge, I'm not sure why I'm like that though, why I constantly feel the need to really fuck things up to get over it.
and for some reason when I brought this up yesterday, I didn't regret it at all and I still don't regret it.
I guess that's a really good thing for me, maybe because for the first time in awhile I'm making the best out of it.
The grass looks greener on the other side.

and while I sat there in semi-akwardness I went over to hug him in the back, through that hug I wanted to say that I truly love him and that I hope he rememembers to eat and to take care of himself and also to take care of kitty. I didn't say it though, I hope all I expressed went through that hug. He did say something to me that made tears just drop out of eyes. "it's not over yet, this will be good. We both can take some time for ourselves." I guess it's a break, until I'm ready and if/when I'm ready and he isn't there it

Hopefully, we can still have a chance to be 100% happy together someday.
This is the time for me to become more secure about myself

no more boys, no more hooking up,
:) I believe in myself.

have you ever felt like sometimes you just keep falling...
right now, i just want to lay here and keep falling and falling.
the viscous cycle never ends does it?

Owl City is keeping me a bit happier.
I think I really need to think positively.

What if today I feel like I'm not in love anymore?
what if the cold shoulder has left me bare and naked.
I don't feel anymore, I know it hurts somewhere in there but I'm numb.
Should love be based on a compromise?

why do I love so much?
I have thought about leaving him, leaving this all.
maybe it's because I want someone to want me and love me.
I want to be cherished and I want to feel like I'm special.
like I'm worth it.

because right now I feel like shit,
I feel like I'm just an extra side item.
not really anything, just on the side.
Should I feel this way?
Is it right to feel this way?
If someone loved me shouldn't they want to do things for me?
I feel like it's not that I don't have patience, it's that I'm not sure if this kind of treatment is right.

J on the other hand loves me unconditionally.
and is it so bad to be loved instead?
instead of loving someone that doesn't really love you back.
I feel like I walk on eggshells sometimes with him, scared, alone and painful.
Should a relationship be that way where everything I feel and do... I feel like it's all a compromise.
Love isn't everything is it?
it doesn't break walls, it makes us weak and incompetent to make the right choices.

I guess all I ever wanted was for him to show he cared, for him to take the extra mile for me.
just once and I would be willing to let everything go.
but, I keep waiting.... and waiting and I don't feel like anything is getting better.
I don't feel happy, and yet I don't think he really cares if I'm happy or not.

tangents.
thoughts.
overkill.

Seven more minutes until I'm off.

Friday, will be A and I getting together for tea and chit chatting. Hopefully, this will be a real friendship.

I made up my mind, I'm scared as hell.

Love life,
everyday starting from now I will live with a smile.
live.love.learn.
what happened to that?
I keep sidetracking, if I have a healthy state of mind and I think positively I will be happy.
Happiness does not just linger around the corner, I have to earn it.

I suddenly like work
I like doing nails now
I like cooking and making bento boxes.
Tomorrow I'm thinking about making Shabu Shabu or Yakiniku just because it's something I can't mess up for C & I. that should be fun...

More faith Jen,
加油 Jennifer!!