Just me

I just cut my finger.
and i'm bored at work, i always feel like i have so much to write about but when it comes to actually expressing how i feel, i fail.

Bass real low - cataracs. (?)

i guess i always wrote in journals because i don't trust in people enough to tell them how i feel about myself. I think i'm overall a nice and down to earth person, i know you're not allowed to say that but i'm confident enought to know i am. i know i try to be a good person and it's a lot of work, but a lot of people tell me i don't take enough credit for the kind of person i am because i think being a good person is what people should be doing. you shouldn't be getting acclaimed for being a good person? wtf? right? so i don't feel specifically happy when people say i'm nice/humble/downtoearth because it just goes to show how sad our society is. I get praised for acting how a human should be?

just like the other day when i was at sports chalet buying UGGs and i was trying them on. The sales guy asked us if we needed any help and he asked us if we worked in retail. "people don't usually put thing back where it belongs, it's really cool of you guys." If we all helped one another wouldn't that make their jobs easier? HOW COME PEOPLE ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

and i had this convo with P the other day, he says i need to "get out more" even if i don't like inconsiderate people because this world is filled with them. I can't be anti-social forever. I know i know, but this kind of stuff just upsets me. and it came to me eliminating people out of my life because i'm sick and tired of being a push over. I'm tired of always being the girl that says sorry, i am not saying sorry anymore if i didn't do anything wrong.

I feel like i spoil my friends because i say sorry or act like everything is okay for their sake. So things don't get too weird and i always thought that's what friends do for each other. But, it's not and i feel like they take me for granted.

I used to always have this tugging/burning feeling in my lungs or heart. It feels like something is covering it and i can't tell if my heartbeat is fast or slow. I feel that now...

i just got yelled at during work.

---

i never have anything to say anymore.

I've been reflecting...





so this is to you





Saved - Spill canvas





Dear ____,


after reading this, i'm sure you'll know who you are. first thing i want to say is that i miss you a lot. i've never met someone like you before. we haven't spoken much since you've gone away to school but i hope you're doing well. i contemplated on writing you an email instead, but i thought that it would be too straight forward and awkward because everything that happened between us was about a year ago. you saved me from myself, and from probably wanting to kill myself. i don't think i've ever told you that, and i'm telling you this because i'm finally okay. all our long aim talks at night and videoing when i was at work helped me so much. it's like you knew when and how to be there for me, you didn't let me rely on you but you were there. you liked me for the person i was, and you knew i would be okay. it's hard to explain that feeling, but you were just so confident in me and you never made me feel like i was annoying.



i wanted to let you know that i left the way i did because i felt like you were too good for me. i know i know, i play the victim a lot but i need stability. i wanted to know what would happen in the future, you lived so far away from me and you were also leaving for school. i sometimes felt dumb around you because of your education compared to mine. there was so so much i didn't know until i spoke to you that last day. i didn't think you were serious, and i think i didn't want to think that you were serious and that you were genuine. you said, you had nothing better to do all year because you were waiting and interviewing for schools. i thought that meant you just wanted to find someone to hang out with for the year. who knows, it was only a measly 2-3 months that we had spoken. it meant a lot to me even if it wasn't the same for you. everything you said from day 1 was true about me.

you helped me grow and i had a lot fo fun hanging out. you're just overall a really good guy, and even if we don't end up in each others lives, i still hope the very best for you. hope that one day you can save many lives and i'll be super proud of you.

Kaskade - in this life

This is probably one of my all time favorite songs by Kaskade. I finally put this song on at work and while listening to it, a lot of thoughts progressed through my head. A lot of memories actually, and I decided to blog.

Have you ever looked back to the person you were and wondered who you were? Not like it was a bad thing, but my life was such a dream a few months back. I felt like I was so happy that I was sinking and I knew deep down inside that it was too good to be true. I believe J grabbed me out of that and put me back into reality.

This is for you, this is for me.

Kaskade reminds me of him a lot, I'm not sure if I miss him because I feel really happy and content where I am now, but I still think about him. I think back to it and so many thoughts flash through my head, and funny thing is how it always starts with Kaskade.

I tried telling myself what him and I had was due to the recreational use of drugs. I'm quiet open I know, and quiet frankly, I don't care if people judge me. I think it was that, that made my relationship with him feel so dream like. I remember him saying that he was scared because dreams don't last forever. I think I was scared as well because I turned into someone I didn't know. I was high on love, pure love for this boy that I barely knew. This boy that could so easily manipulate me. I forgive him for that because I finally realize that he was just as scared and lonely as I was.

I think about our talks and our walks and I must admit, through my experiences with boys... that was probably the shortest but sweetest relationship I was in. Yet, sweet turned super sour and bitter.

There's so much happiness in me that I can't express. Although, I am really tired right now and I don't even know if I can type properly. My tummies a bit hungry as well.

& suddenly I am at a lost of words. . . This time I'll post this.

There's a new song called, "Finally found" by Late night alumni.

"you know you'll always say you wanted it instead, saying I'm finally found."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZSJFHi36ho&feature=fvst

"I hear your heart beating faster, but I'm unclear on what you're after. You give me no reason, I shouldn't say goodbye."

I went to Beyond wonderland and I had so much fun. More fun compared to Tao but Tao was also way too crowded. I was so fasinated with the music pulsing through my veins, my heart. It seemed like life was just so beautiful and I LOVED the drum&base. I even met this cool random girl there that later found me on fb.

and life never felt so good, when everything is simple. When laughter and love is in the other end. Music never felt so good, I am really learning to appreciate dance music. I actually danced the night away for the very first time.

I changed who I was because I thought it would make me seem stronger, I realized a lot of lessons were learned and I needed to learn them myself. I am weak, but I'm a nice, genuine, caring and loving person. I think apart of me has always been scared to become vulnerable and plain so I tried hard to become someone I'm not. I tricked many, even myself... I changed to someone I wasn't happy with, too many games not enough heart. Where did my heart go? Where did I go? I finally feel though, my heart is back.

and maybe, just maybe there will be someone that can appreciate who I am. If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. Step my step, inch by inch... I will be closer.

When every word, every plead, every action doesn't work, i'm not sure what does.

I am literally torn over two people.

I was just looking at my first love's facebook through Liz's facebook.
I don't have the courage to add him because he's such a sensitive subject to me.

I experienced my first love during eighth grade, I believe it was the first time my heart fluttered the way it did for someone. Till this day, when I do accidentally see him once every so often my heart still stops for a brief second. I want to go to him and ask him how he's doing. Do you know that feeling of knowing and believing in someone although they're like a complete stranger?

I haven't spoken to him in 6 years, yet he still lingers in my thoughts. I wonder though... was it only me that felt that way or did he feel the same way for me? There's so many questions and not enough answers, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to talk to him though.

If only... if only I wasn't as immature as I was we would probably still be friends. Things would have turned out differently. I hope only the best for him.

I need to be treated better.
It's Valentine's day and I doubt we're going to do anything.

I feel like all the cards are on the table and I should see it the way it's meant to be seen.
He's not going to change and I can't expect him to.

It's sad that I don't even care that much.
It didn't bother me as much as I thought.

I really need to update my nail/food blog soon. I feel like I can't write one good entry because I'm not happy enough to sit down and ps my pictures. I don't even want to sort out pictures or even take any. How sad is that?

"it was so beautiful and I passed the mountains. I went coast to coast, and from start that's how you learn just who you are. home is where the heart is, find where you belong, start to take control. Show a little soul and you feel who you are. There was a time where I couldn't see myself growing older, but than I went for a walk and when I came back I was so much taller, maybe try to find something that I could be apart of but I decided to leave."

The sounds - Home is where is the heart is

It's one of the better songs and I will love it forever.
It reminds me of my live.love.learn theory.

Life takes us down so many paths and in every path, good or bad we should embrace it. I keep forgetting that sometimes and no matter what at the ending there was a lesson learned. I believe there's always something to learn in every situation. We can't grow if we don't make mistakes and there's so much more to life than having a good time. I feel like there's so many people I haven't met yet, there's so many paths I haven't taken yet. People I haven't helped, friendships that haven't been created. I think just that fact, makes the next day that much brighter. I love to love, I hope that never changes about me.

I want to smoke badly right now but I'm not sleepy yet.
-----

I dyed my hair yesterday, it's a lot darker and I like it. I look natural and it's nice, although I still look fobby but oh well. J says I have a lot of old grandma clothes, I cried after he made fun of me too many times. It's not nice because that's my style, I like flower prints. It makes me happy but he says it makes me look fobbier and if I'm trying to not have that look than I should stop wearing flowery prints. true. true. The reason why I don't want to look like a fob is because people don't take me seriously, i don't know how to explain it. people think I don't speak english, they think I'm submissive. I am NOT! I feel like that's always a battle I'm trying to win. I constantly feel like people don't take me seriously and it bothers me. Maybe because I can't stand my ground really well. I'm the type of person that feels bad for getting angry and it usually leads to people not taking me seriously or respecting me. It's not my fault I can't stay mad for long though.

I have nothing today.

Well, I wish my heart would go where my mind tells it to go, but it's stubborn and it still wants what is wants. It's like I keep frequently talking to my heart, and my last words are "don't say I didn't tell you heart, you might get hurt again."

Weed has made it a lot easier to fall asleep at night.

I wish i had something better to say.

I am really lucky to have the family I have.

and as I sit back and view life as a whole I realized I have good qualities and I know that no matter what, I will remember that everytime I feel like I'm not enough.

Because in the end it's "I" who let people make me feel like I'm not enough so that will change.

live.love.learn.
-Jen

I love to love and I find loving people part of who I am, and at times I love people the wrong way. I jeapordize myself so I can love people, I really need to tone it down.

I love my mom.

It's day one since I broke it off with C. I know I don't want things to be over but I really saw myself and I don't like the person I became because I couldn't deal with my insecurities. I guess it's a growing process and I'm scared that I'll miss him and again act on it and ruin the time I need.

I guess I've been thinking about it tremendously and I finally acted out on it.
I finally had enough of it and I think I just needed to push myself over the edge, I'm not sure why I'm like that though, why I constantly feel the need to really fuck things up to get over it.
and for some reason when I brought this up yesterday, I didn't regret it at all and I still don't regret it.
I guess that's a really good thing for me, maybe because for the first time in awhile I'm making the best out of it.
The grass looks greener on the other side.

and while I sat there in semi-akwardness I went over to hug him in the back, through that hug I wanted to say that I truly love him and that I hope he rememembers to eat and to take care of himself and also to take care of kitty. I didn't say it though, I hope all I expressed went through that hug. He did say something to me that made tears just drop out of eyes. "it's not over yet, this will be good. We both can take some time for ourselves." I guess it's a break, until I'm ready and if/when I'm ready and he isn't there it

Hopefully, we can still have a chance to be 100% happy together someday.
This is the time for me to become more secure about myself

no more boys, no more hooking up,
:) I believe in myself.

have you ever felt like sometimes you just keep falling...
right now, i just want to lay here and keep falling and falling.
the viscous cycle never ends does it?

Owl City is keeping me a bit happier.
I think I really need to think positively.

What if today I feel like I'm not in love anymore?
what if the cold shoulder has left me bare and naked.
I don't feel anymore, I know it hurts somewhere in there but I'm numb.
Should love be based on a compromise?

why do I love so much?
I have thought about leaving him, leaving this all.
maybe it's because I want someone to want me and love me.
I want to be cherished and I want to feel like I'm special.
like I'm worth it.

because right now I feel like shit,
I feel like I'm just an extra side item.
not really anything, just on the side.
Should I feel this way?
Is it right to feel this way?
If someone loved me shouldn't they want to do things for me?
I feel like it's not that I don't have patience, it's that I'm not sure if this kind of treatment is right.

J on the other hand loves me unconditionally.
and is it so bad to be loved instead?
instead of loving someone that doesn't really love you back.
I feel like I walk on eggshells sometimes with him, scared, alone and painful.
Should a relationship be that way where everything I feel and do... I feel like it's all a compromise.
Love isn't everything is it?
it doesn't break walls, it makes us weak and incompetent to make the right choices.

I guess all I ever wanted was for him to show he cared, for him to take the extra mile for me.
just once and I would be willing to let everything go.
but, I keep waiting.... and waiting and I don't feel like anything is getting better.
I don't feel happy, and yet I don't think he really cares if I'm happy or not.

tangents.
thoughts.
overkill.

Seven more minutes until I'm off.

Friday, will be A and I getting together for tea and chit chatting. Hopefully, this will be a real friendship.

I made up my mind, I'm scared as hell.

Love life,
everyday starting from now I will live with a smile.
live.love.learn.
what happened to that?
I keep sidetracking, if I have a healthy state of mind and I think positively I will be happy.
Happiness does not just linger around the corner, I have to earn it.

I suddenly like work
I like doing nails now
I like cooking and making bento boxes.
Tomorrow I'm thinking about making Shabu Shabu or Yakiniku just because it's something I can't mess up for C & I. that should be fun...

More faith Jen,
加油 Jennifer!!

I hate instigaters.


note to self:
I need to change.
I need to be better.

Selfless...
I miss I, I miss his talks.

and you know what I hate?
I hate how I don't really miss him. Like I'm glad I don't have anyone to hold up my morals and remind me of them every now and then.

fuck.
depressed.
i admit it.
fuck.

I feel like i don't give C enough credit sometimes.
I pick at the things I get angry with but I never think about the great things about him.

I hate it when I'm a hypocrite.

D, one of my close friends told me to have patience.

I forgot about Utada Hikaru's song

I remember in high school and how I layed in E's bed while he played Damien Rice - Blower's Daughter.

The reason for this is because I believe I have come a long way since my livejournal. I think there's a lot of things I keep private but wish someone I didn't know could relate . Maybe someone that can hear me out and yet... not give me any advice.