Just me

Kaskade - in this life

This is probably one of my all time favorite songs by Kaskade. I finally put this song on at work and while listening to it, a lot of thoughts progressed through my head. A lot of memories actually, and I decided to blog.

Have you ever looked back to the person you were and wondered who you were? Not like it was a bad thing, but my life was such a dream a few months back. I felt like I was so happy that I was sinking and I knew deep down inside that it was too good to be true. I believe J grabbed me out of that and put me back into reality.

This is for you, this is for me.

Kaskade reminds me of him a lot, I'm not sure if I miss him because I feel really happy and content where I am now, but I still think about him. I think back to it and so many thoughts flash through my head, and funny thing is how it always starts with Kaskade.

I tried telling myself what him and I had was due to the recreational use of drugs. I'm quiet open I know, and quiet frankly, I don't care if people judge me. I think it was that, that made my relationship with him feel so dream like. I remember him saying that he was scared because dreams don't last forever. I think I was scared as well because I turned into someone I didn't know. I was high on love, pure love for this boy that I barely knew. This boy that could so easily manipulate me. I forgive him for that because I finally realize that he was just as scared and lonely as I was.

I think about our talks and our walks and I must admit, through my experiences with boys... that was probably the shortest but sweetest relationship I was in. Yet, sweet turned super sour and bitter.

There's so much happiness in me that I can't express. Although, I am really tired right now and I don't even know if I can type properly. My tummies a bit hungry as well.

& suddenly I am at a lost of words. . . This time I'll post this.

There's a new song called, "Finally found" by Late night alumni.

"you know you'll always say you wanted it instead, saying I'm finally found."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZSJFHi36ho&feature=fvst

"I hear your heart beating faster, but I'm unclear on what you're after. You give me no reason, I shouldn't say goodbye."

I went to Beyond wonderland and I had so much fun. More fun compared to Tao but Tao was also way too crowded. I was so fasinated with the music pulsing through my veins, my heart. It seemed like life was just so beautiful and I LOVED the drum&base. I even met this cool random girl there that later found me on fb.

and life never felt so good, when everything is simple. When laughter and love is in the other end. Music never felt so good, I am really learning to appreciate dance music. I actually danced the night away for the very first time.

I changed who I was because I thought it would make me seem stronger, I realized a lot of lessons were learned and I needed to learn them myself. I am weak, but I'm a nice, genuine, caring and loving person. I think apart of me has always been scared to become vulnerable and plain so I tried hard to become someone I'm not. I tricked many, even myself... I changed to someone I wasn't happy with, too many games not enough heart. Where did my heart go? Where did I go? I finally feel though, my heart is back.

and maybe, just maybe there will be someone that can appreciate who I am. If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. Step my step, inch by inch... I will be closer.

When every word, every plead, every action doesn't work, i'm not sure what does.

I am literally torn over two people.

I was just looking at my first love's facebook through Liz's facebook.
I don't have the courage to add him because he's such a sensitive subject to me.

I experienced my first love during eighth grade, I believe it was the first time my heart fluttered the way it did for someone. Till this day, when I do accidentally see him once every so often my heart still stops for a brief second. I want to go to him and ask him how he's doing. Do you know that feeling of knowing and believing in someone although they're like a complete stranger?

I haven't spoken to him in 6 years, yet he still lingers in my thoughts. I wonder though... was it only me that felt that way or did he feel the same way for me? There's so many questions and not enough answers, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to talk to him though.

If only... if only I wasn't as immature as I was we would probably still be friends. Things would have turned out differently. I hope only the best for him.

I need to be treated better.
It's Valentine's day and I doubt we're going to do anything.

I feel like all the cards are on the table and I should see it the way it's meant to be seen.
He's not going to change and I can't expect him to.

It's sad that I don't even care that much.
It didn't bother me as much as I thought.