Just me

I used to always have this tugging/burning feeling in my lungs or heart. It feels like something is covering it and i can't tell if my heartbeat is fast or slow. I feel that now...

i just got yelled at during work.

---

i never have anything to say anymore.

I've been reflecting...





so this is to you





Saved - Spill canvas





Dear ____,


after reading this, i'm sure you'll know who you are. first thing i want to say is that i miss you a lot. i've never met someone like you before. we haven't spoken much since you've gone away to school but i hope you're doing well. i contemplated on writing you an email instead, but i thought that it would be too straight forward and awkward because everything that happened between us was about a year ago. you saved me from myself, and from probably wanting to kill myself. i don't think i've ever told you that, and i'm telling you this because i'm finally okay. all our long aim talks at night and videoing when i was at work helped me so much. it's like you knew when and how to be there for me, you didn't let me rely on you but you were there. you liked me for the person i was, and you knew i would be okay. it's hard to explain that feeling, but you were just so confident in me and you never made me feel like i was annoying.



i wanted to let you know that i left the way i did because i felt like you were too good for me. i know i know, i play the victim a lot but i need stability. i wanted to know what would happen in the future, you lived so far away from me and you were also leaving for school. i sometimes felt dumb around you because of your education compared to mine. there was so so much i didn't know until i spoke to you that last day. i didn't think you were serious, and i think i didn't want to think that you were serious and that you were genuine. you said, you had nothing better to do all year because you were waiting and interviewing for schools. i thought that meant you just wanted to find someone to hang out with for the year. who knows, it was only a measly 2-3 months that we had spoken. it meant a lot to me even if it wasn't the same for you. everything you said from day 1 was true about me.

you helped me grow and i had a lot fo fun hanging out. you're just overall a really good guy, and even if we don't end up in each others lives, i still hope the very best for you. hope that one day you can save many lives and i'll be super proud of you.

Kaskade - in this life

This is probably one of my all time favorite songs by Kaskade. I finally put this song on at work and while listening to it, a lot of thoughts progressed through my head. A lot of memories actually, and I decided to blog.

Have you ever looked back to the person you were and wondered who you were? Not like it was a bad thing, but my life was such a dream a few months back. I felt like I was so happy that I was sinking and I knew deep down inside that it was too good to be true. I believe J grabbed me out of that and put me back into reality.

This is for you, this is for me.

Kaskade reminds me of him a lot, I'm not sure if I miss him because I feel really happy and content where I am now, but I still think about him. I think back to it and so many thoughts flash through my head, and funny thing is how it always starts with Kaskade.

I tried telling myself what him and I had was due to the recreational use of drugs. I'm quiet open I know, and quiet frankly, I don't care if people judge me. I think it was that, that made my relationship with him feel so dream like. I remember him saying that he was scared because dreams don't last forever. I think I was scared as well because I turned into someone I didn't know. I was high on love, pure love for this boy that I barely knew. This boy that could so easily manipulate me. I forgive him for that because I finally realize that he was just as scared and lonely as I was.

I think about our talks and our walks and I must admit, through my experiences with boys... that was probably the shortest but sweetest relationship I was in. Yet, sweet turned super sour and bitter.

There's so much happiness in me that I can't express. Although, I am really tired right now and I don't even know if I can type properly. My tummies a bit hungry as well.

& suddenly I am at a lost of words. . . This time I'll post this.

There's a new song called, "Finally found" by Late night alumni.

"you know you'll always say you wanted it instead, saying I'm finally found."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZSJFHi36ho&feature=fvst

"I hear your heart beating faster, but I'm unclear on what you're after. You give me no reason, I shouldn't say goodbye."

I went to Beyond wonderland and I had so much fun. More fun compared to Tao but Tao was also way too crowded. I was so fasinated with the music pulsing through my veins, my heart. It seemed like life was just so beautiful and I LOVED the drum&base. I even met this cool random girl there that later found me on fb.

and life never felt so good, when everything is simple. When laughter and love is in the other end. Music never felt so good, I am really learning to appreciate dance music. I actually danced the night away for the very first time.

I changed who I was because I thought it would make me seem stronger, I realized a lot of lessons were learned and I needed to learn them myself. I am weak, but I'm a nice, genuine, caring and loving person. I think apart of me has always been scared to become vulnerable and plain so I tried hard to become someone I'm not. I tricked many, even myself... I changed to someone I wasn't happy with, too many games not enough heart. Where did my heart go? Where did I go? I finally feel though, my heart is back.

and maybe, just maybe there will be someone that can appreciate who I am. If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. Step my step, inch by inch... I will be closer.

When every word, every plead, every action doesn't work, i'm not sure what does.

I am literally torn over two people.